Unmet Needs

Client:

I guess I’ve been holding a lot in lately, and it’s starting to get the better of me. I find myself snapping at people—sometimes at my partner, sometimes at work—for things that don’t even seem that important.

I hate it when it happens. I feel guilty afterward, but in the moment… I just feel this surge of frustration I can’t control. And then I spend hours replaying it in my head, wishing I’d reacted differently.

I think part of it is that I feel unheard a lot. Like no matter how hard I try to communicate, no one’s really listening, or they dismiss what I’m saying. And that… it just builds up and comes out in ways I don’t like.

I want to handle it better. I don’t want to feel like a ticking time bomb all the time, but I don’t even know where to start.

Counsellor (Lyn):

You know... perhaps it's not just being unheard that is extremely difficult. Perhaps it's the thoughts, the mental load, that is leading up to this frustration. Would you like to share some of the thoughts that's been happening for you? Perhaps with your partner? work?

Client:

Yeah… I think you’re right. It’s not just one moment—it’s everything piling up in my head.

With my partner, I’m often thinking things like “I shouldn’t have to ask for this again” or “If they really cared, they’d notice.” I don’t always say it out loud, but I carry it. Then something small happens—like they forget something or seem distracted—and it feels like proof of all those thoughts at once.

At work, it’s similar. I’ll think “Why am I always the one picking up the slack?” or “If I don’t push back, nothing will change.” So when I finally do speak up, it comes out sharp, almost aggressive, because I’ve already had the argument in my head a hundred times.

I don’t think I’m an angry person. It feels more like I’m overwhelmed and fed up—and anger is the only emotion that knows how to get out.

Counsellor:

Hm... I can't help but notice, but it seems like what you're asking for is presence. You want someone who is around, to show up, to help you when needed. Is that about right? What's your thoughts on this?

Client:

Yes… that actually feels really accurate. Presence. Just someone being there, really paying attention, without me having to prove anything or push so hard to be heard.

I think that’s what I’m craving with both my partner and at work—a sense that I’m not carrying everything alone, that my effort and my feelings matter.

It’s frustrating because I don’t always know how to ask for it without feeling like I’m being needy or overreacting. And if I don’t get it, that’s when the frustration and the snapping come in.

I guess I’ve been holding a lot of expectations in my head and hoping people would meet them without me saying anything… and that’s a lot to expect, I know.

Counsellor:

Unmet needs - one of the most difficult conversations to have... Wanting to share what you need, but it's not coming out in the way you would like. Not just that though - asking is hard.

Client:

Exactly… that’s exactly it. Asking is the hardest part. Even when I know I need something—whether it’s support, understanding, or just someone listening—I freeze or second-guess myself.

And then when I don’t get it, or it comes out wrong, I feel even worse. Guilty, frustrated, ashamed… like I’ve failed somehow.

Counsellor:

I hear you, and acknowledge this. Shall we start working on this one by one? How we can work around or through these situations? Help you meet those needs?

Client:

Yes please, I’d like that.