“Too Much”

Client:

I don’t really know where to begin… I guess the simplest way to say it is that I’m tired. Not just physically tired, but tired of feeling like I’m always trying to be “enough” for people and still somehow missing the mark.

I notice it a lot in my relationships. I’ll replay conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing, if I was too much, or not enough. And when someone pulls away—even slightly—I immediately assume it’s because of me.

On the outside, people probably think I’m confident. I’m responsible, I show up, I get things done. But inside, there’s this constant self-doubt, like I’m standing on shaky ground and waiting for someone to point out the cracks.

I want to feel secure in myself, but I don’t know how to stop measuring my worth through how other people respond to me.

Counsellor (Lyn):

I hear you - that's a very hard feeling. It sounds like you're juggling a lot - feeling the exhaustion, both physically and mentally. I am more than happy to talk about everything that is going on, but perhaps is there a specific area you would like to focus on today?

Client:

Yeah… I think what feels heaviest right now is how much my self-worth seems to depend on other people. Especially in close relationships.

It’s like, if someone is warm and responsive, I feel okay about myself. But if they’re quiet, distracted, or need space, I spiral. I start questioning everything—what I said, who I am, whether I’m lovable at all.

I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want my mood or sense of value to be so fragile, but I honestly don’t know how to separate who I am from how I’m perceived. It feels automatic, like it’s wired into me.

Counsellor:

That really is exhausting - it's almost like you're performing isn't it?

Client:

Yes—exactly like that. Performing is the perfect word for it.

I feel like I’m constantly monitoring myself, adjusting my tone, my reactions, even my opinions sometimes, just to keep the connection steady. And I don’t think people even realise how much effort is going into it.

What scares me is that I don’t always know who I’d be if I stopped performing. Part of me worries that if I just showed up as I really am—messy, unsure, needing reassurance—people would leave. So I keep it together, smile, stay agreeable… and then feel completely drained afterwards.

It’s lonely, pretending to be okay all the time.

Counsellor:

May I ask, do you believe no one would be there for you at your worst?

Client:

…Yes. I think I do believe that, even if I don’t want to admit it.

I don’t necessarily think people are cruel—I just think they have limits. And I worry that if I’m too much, too needy, too emotional, I’ll cross some invisible line where I become a burden.

I’ve learned how to be the “easy” one. The one who listens, who copes, who doesn’t ask for too much. And it’s worked in the sense that I’ve kept people around—but it’s also taught me that my place is conditional.

So when I imagine being at my worst, I picture people slowly stepping back. Maybe not all at once… just enough that I’d feel it.

Counsellor:

That's a very hard place to be in, and I do want to thank you for even sharing this so openly. It's hard to... and it sounds like you're aware of how you are. I'm also getting that perhaps there is the belief that love is conditional for you…

Client:

Yeah… that really lands. Love feeling conditional.

It’s like there’s this unspoken rule in my head: you’re allowed love as long as you’re manageable. As long as you’re kind, understanding, not too emotional, not asking for reassurance too often.

And I know, logically, that healthy relationships are supposed to hold space for hard moments. But emotionally, it doesn’t feel safe to test that. It feels safer to just stay within the lines I’ve learned.

What’s strange is that if someone else came to me feeling low or overwhelmed, I wouldn’t see them as a burden at all. I’d want to be there. But when it’s me, it feels different—like I don’t get the same grace.

I don’t know where that belief started, but it feels old. Like it’s been with me for a long time.

Counsellor:

Perhaps we can revisit some of the moments or memories where you may have felt that love was conditional. Perhaps a childhood memory when you felt neglected for sharing your feelings. Would you like to do that?

Client:

I think… yes. I feel a bit nervous saying that, but I think it’s important.